why I’m here — introduction pt. 2

I’m here because the alternative has become unbearable… it’s as simple as that. It’s also what i told my doctor during my first appointment: that throughout my life, i always had at least one thing to hold on to. my education, a friendship that bordered on an obsession, an eating disorder, a lifestyle choice that bordered on another eating disorder, an interest that bordered on an obsession (see a pattern emerge?). just something, just one thing. but it’s gotten to the point where nothing seems to work anymore. not even for a brief moment do i feel like my life has any meaning or purpose, partly because of how disconnected i am from the people around me and how out of touch with my own feelings and needs (even though ostensibly that’s all i can think or talk about).

I know it’s supposed to be normal to feel this way sometimes. But for me “sometimes” doesn’t even begin to cover it. My life thus far has been built on nondecisions, from going to the high school that I did, down to staying at a dead-end job just because it’s safe and comfortable. The real reason i can’t bring myself to finish my BA is because of the finality of that; i’m just not ready to grow up, because emotionally, im still in junior high.

Well, I’m here because I’ve had enough of that. I’m here because I can’t fathom living the rest of my life this way, yet I’m incapable of doing anything about it. I need something (or someone) to push me; I need to be held accountable. People who had the greatest impact on my decision-making have included friends, teachers, family members… everyone but myself. I may not like it, but i cant just generate a personality out of thin air. The alternative? Take my time, and rediscover and reinvent myself, piece after precious piece.

Sometimes it’s annoying to feel so behind in life, when all my childhood friends are working, getting married, travelling the world, growing. But over time I have come to accept that that’s just the way it’s going to be for me, and all i need to do in order to feel content is just do my best. That, and be a little more unapologetic about expressing how I feel, because bottling up my emotions has done nothing for me. I’m no longer afraid of embarrassing myself, or even of being “boring”, because for once in my life I’m doing what I know I need to heal. Also, it’s easy to be so candid when nothing really matters to you anymore.

even though I have always felt that im pretty transparent about the inner workings of my brain, what with my wacky facial expressions and all, I’m always struck by remarks such as “you seem so calm”. They stand in stark contrast to my self-perception. Perhaps im not that predictable after all… and maybe it has something to do with my inability to articulate (or grasp) what exactly it is that i feel.

I just never learned to recognize my feelings or deal with them in healthy and productive ways, and letting my emotions take charge is something i have always struggled with in my life. On top of all this, i find it frustrating that it’s so hard for me to connect with people. If i can’t empathize with you, it’s not because i don’t want to; it’s because im so caught up in my own shit.

Ever since i can remember, I have always found it hard to relate to my peers. While they engaged in playful banter, everything i said always came across as random or inappropriate, so at some point i just shut up. This was usually chalked up to my shyness or introversion, but actually, im just as ill at ease in my own company. Whatever I do, it always seems inadequate or somehow “wrong”. And if you can’t do anything right… why bother doing anything at all? (LOGIC!)

This is why I look to others for guidance and validation. Those of you who know me in person will have heard some version of the story: I had a best friend, she left, I was devastated. It’s been over eight years, and I still haven’t gotten over that perceived loss. What little i had in terms of goals or ambitions was smashed to smithereens, and what i was left with was a gaping hole where my own personality should have been all along.

There’s being loyal… and then there’s being dependent.

i’m going through that teenagey phase where i blame everything wrong with my life on my parents. but also… not really? like i know they did their absolute best, it’s just hard to reconcile that with what i now know to be awful emotional immaturity. My goal with this blog is to explore some of the thought and behavior patterns they may have inadvertently instilled in me, either by passing them down or by forcing me to develop my own maladaptive coping mechanisms.

I’ve been reading up on Dialectical Behavioral Therapy… can you tell? I’m just a little bit more comfortable with gray areas. Nobody is just good or bad (not even me), and people can have two different, seemingly incompatible opinions or sets of beliefs, and they can both be right at the same time, in the context of their particular situations. Seems straightforward enough, right? Not for a person with borderline traits it doesn’t. I can logically know all this, but applying it to my own life… is a whole different story.

How do you translate thoughts into actions when you have no motivation to act either way? Well, you go to therapy, that’s how, I guess…

Wish me luck.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s