let’s discuss something positive for a change.
the past few years I’d been growing more and more apathetic about the whole concept of Christmas. … Or so I thought. What was actually happening had more to do with depression than with what i thought was “growing up”.
That all changed this Christmas.
I will discuss the effect that medication has on me in more detail in my future posts, but suffice it to say that it has injected some degree of optimism into my outlook on life. It also makes me more comfortable with being open about my emotions (hence the blog). This is why this last Christmas, i decided to share some of them with the people in my life, and the result was nothing short of incredible.
I work at a bookstore. I’m sorry to report that half the country got a book by the Nobel Prize winner Olga Tokarczuk for Christmas. Boring! I’m not criticizing the books themselves, to be sure (I haven’t read them, nor am i planning to). But it’s just about as obvious & predictable as one can get.
So anyway, I tried to put just a little bit more thought into my gifts. I can’t vouch for the result, but it felt good to make an effort.
More importantly, apart from the presents, I also wrote these notes to my parents and some of my family. I had never done anything like that; I’m not one to display affection or any kind of appreciation or gratitude, I always felt it was awkward and inappropriate. That my feelings were misplaced, too intense, irrelevant, idk.
Well, turns out people love it (at least “my” people did). They thanked me afterwards, and although I lack empathy, I think some of what I wrote in those notes must have hit close to home, because they all seemed genuinely touched.
To my surprise, they were kind of baffled by the whole thing at first, because they never knew i felt this way. but sharing how i felt about them improved my relationships with them in a very real way.
I felt connected to someone for the first time in a very long time.
and i realized that while christmas may have lost its superficial charm of santa and talking animals (just found out it’s a Polish thing apparently??), it’s I who can create the real magic … corny as that sounds. it’s something i’m gonna try to do more often.
wish you all the same this new year.