on feeling too much & showing too little

i suffer from permanent writer’s block, in all areas of my life except for writing (in the literal sense, ‘graphomania’ would be more apt).

i don’t know how people can just live their lives.

how they are not overwhelmed by all the possibilities.

maybe it’s true that i just have too much time on my hands. but if that’s the case, then it was just as true fifteen years ago as it is now. because i don’t remember ever feeling any more secure in who i was, what i felt, what i wanted, or what was right for me.

what i do remember is always trying to imitate somebody else. and wanting to do so many things. learn to do this, try that. but always stopping at “wanting”.

How can you think too much while thinking so little?

I know that what I’m doing is unhelpful. But i cant just stop my thoughts if i can’t even identify the counterproductive ones. the worst part is, they’re not even thoughts, in the strictest sense. they aren’t informed decisions, but merely gut reactions — except i can’t tell if they’re primary to my nature, or if i was conditioned into them during my upbringing.

see, when you’re so caught up in trying to define your mental processes, it’s hard to get to the “doing” stage of things.

im self-conscious but not self-aware.

I envy people who naturally gravitate to whatever seems like fun to them, and just explore what they find interesting, without having to put a label on it. With me, it’s like there’s always something preventing me from doing shit. no matter what it is, i will always come up with a reason why I shouldnt do it.

Being low on openness to experience doesn’t have to mean you’re prejudiced against the experience in question. For me it often means wanting, but not being able to handle it.

And it’s not about lack of curiosity. It’s about being paralyzed by the multitude of options available to you, to the point where you can’t decide on any one of them. Being pathologically objective and afraid of having an opinion or a preference, possibly for fear of being judged.

This ties in with introversion. My feelings towards the few people in my life are so intense, I couldn’t manage many more relationships if I wanted to. Every conversation, every facial expression is so significant in my eyes that it stays with me for days. I turn it over in my mind, trying to guess what the person meant or didn’t mean, what they were saying or implying, trying to read between the lines.

I have a few favorite things. Arctic Monkeys, Twin Peaks, this podcast called Welcome to Night Vale. I’m bringing it up because they might come up a lot, and I wanna explain why im so attached to them.

over the course of my life, they’ve been the only things that… stuck. Most of the time when I’m interacting with something (or someone) new, I’m so overstimulated and so focused on the process that I can’t get to the content. This makes many things damn near impossible, from interpreting literature to relating to another human being on an emotional level. i’m so preoccupied with the “metadata” surrounding the conversation that I can’t actively engage in it. i can’t just lose myself in the moment and allow myself to be spontaneous, because i operate as if i had to control my every movement, or else. (which is ironic, because my behavior ends up being entirely dictated by my emotions, anyway.)

very rarely do I find something, say, a piece of art, so engaging that I forget about my reservations regarding … showing real emotion. Usually, the opposite happens: I’m so distracted and not fully there that the experience is rendered worthless. So superficial is it that I can’t so much as decide whether I liked it or not, let alone tell if it taught me anything.

Writer’s block feels like a good analogy because i don’t think most writers are short of ideas. It’s the execution that’s the issue. There are so many possible stories, but how do you choose which ones to commit to paper — and when? How do you discern between the good ones and the not so good ones? And how do you capture the essence of the story you want to tell, translate those vague concepts into concrete words, convey a perfect idea by imperfect means while preserving all its meaning intact?

a writer might feel like he has nothing new to say. or like there’s no right way to say it. or that there are so many things he wishes he could say, he doesn’t know where to begin. Or… he might be afraid of failure. criticism. being called mediocre, or, god forbid, derivative.

to me, writer’s block means focusing on how one is going to be perceived instead of on self-expression itself. Unless (somebody tells me) it is Perfect and Unique, i have no right to feel what i feel, say what i say, do what i do. This is why i decided to start a blog: to allow myself to do something imperfect for once, something shit even, and just. not. care.
Hopefully, healing starts here: doing something, anything, as long as it feels true to you… this does. I want to have some agency over my behavior instead of handing over responsibility for my life to whoever finds themselves in my immediate environment at the moment. I want to stop censoring myself way before i can even think or feel anything. In short, I want to learn to live my life instead of observing it.

Something’s been bugging me these past few days. I still can’t wrap my head around it, but apparently, im not very good at showing emotions. as a consequence, the people i love think i hate them, and the people i like think i’m indifferent. many of those who have had the greatest impact on my life don’t even realize just how much they mean to me, and im generally seen as cold and aloof.

so when i do decide to share my feelings, it comes off as pushy, needy, or just plain creepy. To whom it may concern: please know that my feelings are mine to deal with, and you don’t have to worry about the burden i may seem to have put on you. It was irresponsible of me to overshare just to get something off my chest. The weight of my world is too much for any one person to carry, and I do not expect anyone else to carry it for me, least of all you.

How do you strike a balance though between… honesty and boundaries? authenticity and… moderation?

here’s hoping i can learn.

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