self-doubt

I don’t know why i feel this constant need to justify myself. if i started this blog for the sole purpose of venting, what do i care if other people find it interesting? why the reflex to apologize for having feelings and needing to talk about them? i have this urge to preemptively dismiss everything i do as silly and pointless, so that they don’t bother engaging with it, and i don’t have to deal with constructive criticism.

My parents were nothing if not supportive. Why, then, am I so sorry for being alive? Not for doing anything specific, but simply for being the way I am: irredeemably flawed and bothersome.

Man is supposedly a social animal. But most people seem, on the surface at least, to have a sense of self beyond the group identity. The stronger it is, the healthier their relationships with others in the community; the two feed off of each other.

I, by contrast, am socially inept, and yet still feel like i only exist in relation to other people. I need everyone not so much to like me as tolerate me, and i feel that by expressing myself, im infringing on — on what exactly? — … like im offending their delicate sensibilities; invading their personal (head)space… and risking rejection.

Incidentally, thats also why im so non-confrontational: while i’m quite argumentative & i love discussing my POV on trivial matters (though I easily get defensive), i wouldn’t dare, say, openly accuse you of anything unless i was absolutely sure you did it. im the person who, upon being told to stop apologizing, responds with “sorry”.

i act as if i’d rather be bland than for my opinions ever to be attacked or called into question. which i would, because you cant stand up for something you don’t believe in… such as yourself. I’m on the fence about my own right just to be.

im worried than if i dig any deeper, i might find out that the real reason i steal bits and pieces of other people’s personalities is because i actually don’t have one.

ha. on this positive note…

bye.

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