Some things don’t show… but they eat you up inside.
J and I originally bonded over being annoyed by the same thing somebody did… that’s not a good sign.
I know I’m judgmental… but im not proud of it. And i didnt want that to be the only thing the two of us had in common. I’m not generally critical for the sake of it… it’s more like a defense mechanism. I have too much negative energy of my own to invite people into my life who are mean-spirited for a laugh.
that was my thought process while i was cutting her off. it’s probably the most i have ever come to devalue a person, but even at the time i still realized i was being idiotic; i just couldn’t help it.
The real reason I surgically removed her from my life was that I couldn’t bear that she was moving on whereas i was stuck. She’d used to be so adorkable, and now she was skinnier, prettier, … better.
I don’t hate any of you; I think you all deserve all the happiness in the world. And when i see you happy, i’m happy for you. But at the same time, it’s a painful reminder of my own inadequacy and inability to do anything with my life.
I know my feelings are not about you, they have nothing to do with you, it’s all my low self-esteem. But I can’t rationalize myself out of envy. Envy that’s not directed at any one person in particular, but at the general idea of happiness that to me seems so unattainable.
so if i become distant, im sorry. it’s not your fault, and im simply doing what feels like the right thing to do: deciding not to expose you to any more of my negativity. more often than not, i will isolate myself from people because of how guilty i feel about treating them poorly, even just in my mind.
i hope that feeling guilty about it indicates a degree of choice i have in the matter. perhaps not consciously… yet.
that would mean i can change.