mask falls off?

I’d like to make something extra clear. I have explained this before, but I want it to really sink in. It’s this: the last thing I want is for this blog to turn into a smear campaign against everyone who has ever slighted me in the most insignificant way.

I would also like to take back what i said before about having to forgive people who inadvertently hurt me. i’ve thought about it, and i don’t think it’s a healthy way to live.

one prominent feature of narcissism is a lack of insight. i thought that part didn’t apply to me: i’m well aware that i’m self-absorbed. i also didn’t think i had the inflated ego that i always associated with that trait; on the contrary, my self-esteem is practically non-existent. (i’m self-righteous, but that’s different; im compensating.)

but i was missing the point.

perhaps on the most basic level i mightve had an inkling that its not normal to be this self-referential. but i had not the faintest idea how deep it went.

i attribute bad intentions where there are none.

i take everything personally.

and ive come to realize that “a grandiose sense of self-importance” doesn’t necessarily have to be positive. i don’t mean for others, it obviously isn’t that. but you can be very open about hating yourself and still be narcissistic.

because hating yourself kind of implies that you think you deserve to be something more than what you are. smarter, prettier, more likeable. something that would make you stand out.

and perhaps i wouldn’t be so petty and thin-skinned if i didn’t think i or my shortcomings mattered that much to other people.

i’ve lived in fear of being discovered as the awful human being that i actually am. but that’s because i couldnt accept my own flaws. i thought having bad thoughts or behavior patterns made me a terrible person. but there’s a certain way in which it can help me grow:

if i can recognize and truly own the parts of myself that i don’t like, i can start working on changing them. instead of shifting the blame for being the way that i am onto my genes, or my mom, or being hit in the head in gym class one too many times, i can change my behavior to whatever extent possible. my thoughts and assumptions may remain the same, but i can acknowledge that theyre not all correct. and i can remind myself that not everything people do is always about me.

as for being easily offended: it’s not an adaptive trait. but the upside is that it doesn’t exclusively apply to criticism; i just have a low threshold for being affected by any kind of feedback, or anything you say or do, really. all compliments, all favors, are a treat.

it bothers me when people make sweeping statements about personality disorders not being curable. i’m not saying they are; but i desperately want them to be. because i truly feel awful about my sense of entitlement. my lack of empathy. my arrogance, callousness, materialism. and here you’re telling me that i can never truly love another person?

is it really so black and white?

there are times when my concern for others feels genuine (to me). if i can turn it off and on at will, does that mean it isn’t real?

i hate the thought of finding out that… the only reason i want to change is because the way i am rn negatively affects my quality of life, so i want to fake my way to a more fulfilling one. i hate to think that i could get into a friendship for my own gratification, but lack the emotional depth to sustain it. that i could abuse the other person without being able to give anything in return.

and i hate myself for certain things ive done. things ive said to people because i wanted to see them suffer. does it bring me pleasure? i’m not sure… maybe what it gives me is a sense of power. safety. superiority in knowing how to push their buttons, and in that moment being immune to anything they can do to me. … Is that the same as being malicious?

People have been so kind to me. Patient, generous. And me? I wouldn’t want a friend like me. And yet … I have to live with me.

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