Numbed out by the meds though I am, there’s one fear that I still can’t let go of. It’s that my entire life has been a hoax, each friendship a deception, everyone going along with my exaggerated ideas of intimacy where there was none.

My closest friendship turned out to be like that, and since then I have met so many people who are so good at pretending to enjoy your company, I feel like I can trust no-one. I don’t know if they’re just being nice, or they specifically want you to think they like you… or if it’s just easier.

I fear that people can put up a facade but maintain emotional distance. Endure your verbal diarrhea, smile and nod politely, while screaming internally. Or worse, act like they’re bonding with you, but they’re not actually being vulnerable at all and you’re the only one exposing yourself. I fear I lack the capacity to understand people enough for them to want to confide in me or share anything real.

Either that, or they’re like that with everyone, and it’s the “norm”, and I’m the one who expects or needs too much. Too much closeness, too much exclusivity, too much intensity.

I know I don’t seem intense. Disengaged, more like. But once I open up to someone, I latch onto that friendship with all I’ve got. And maybe it comes off as needy, and it’s more than most people can handle.

I wish people would just be honest. If they find me shallow and unlikeable, I’d rather know where I stand than keep living a lie and be disappointed.

The other option is for me to become even more emotionally detached. I don’t care about getting hurt; what I want to avoid is being the butt of the gigantic practical joke that is my life. Would be embarrassing to find out you were fooled into believing someone actually liked you.

Ah I hate this! Why must I think like a 12 yr old???

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