un-conscientious

[I]f somebody is too conscientious, they stop functioning in a conscientious manner. So individuals with OCPD tend to be ineffective at making decisions, and they have difficulty completing tasks.

annoyingly, i identify with most of what Dr. Grande talks about in this video to a certain extent. or i used to. i haven’t seen that part of my personality come to the fore in a really long time. i know traits themselves don’t really change. but over time, trait expression can.

i’m still deeply inflexible and perfectionistic. but on top of all this, i’m also a slacker now.

i don’t know if it’s more because i hate the uncertainty of having infinite possibilities; the finality of making my decision; or because if i can’t excel in anything (or only really in quite useless stuff), i settle for excelling at just generally sucking. i think all of the above.

but also, somewhat paradoxically, that rigidity becomes more pronounced when i’m at my most motivated. when i think i can change. like how my eating disorder really kicked in when i still believed that losing weight would fix my loneliness and social awkwardness. (Needless to say, it didn’t.)

Like how i’m obsessed with productivity and to-do lists because I feel the need to control the chaos in my mind/life, or that were it not for the lists, I would get completely lost. (Well… I kind of did. But I’m not so sure to-do lists could have prevented that.)

now i’m — — disillusioned. now i know that superficial things like that aren’t gonna fix anything. but i couldn’t stop there, at just being more realistic, no, i had to make Not Even Trying kind of … my thing??

i always used to feel like i had two personalities that sort of cancelled each other out. but this time, i don’t know how to go back, or how to find my balance.

i’m nonplussed to admit that Co-Star is right in pointing out ive been feeling uninspired. i’m stuck. maybe more than i used to be. it hurts less, but thats even more worrying.

if I can’t, something needs to change.

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