maybe the way to take advantage of my current inability to identify with my past is by trying to make sense of it. the less attached i am to my past feelings and experiences, the lower the stakes, the easier it is to disengage and stay somewhat objective.
and when i do that, certain patterns start to emerge. regarding my temperament, interests, attitudes to relationships. and things start to kind of fall into place.
take my apparent inability to take care of myself, and utter helplessness in the face of adversity, real or perceived. i’m dependent, im avoidant, and i refuse to take responsibility for myself. i shift the blame without meaning to; i simply feel so powerless that the idea of being held accountable doesn’t seem to apply. if i’m not in the position to fix anything, i can’t break or ruin anything, either.
i always expect other people to take charge. the only time it doesn’t happen is the rare instance i believe, often wrongly, that im the more competent person / better equipped to deal with a certain issue. and if they don’t take charge, at the very least they must tell me specifically what it is that they want me to do, or else i will languish in uncertainty indefinitely.
it frequently happens with my job, even when i do receive clear instructions. well, clear to-do lists; the execution is left up to me, and i find that intolerable. so incapable am i of planning out my process, and so insecure in my ability to distinguish between the optimal way to accomplish a task and the countless dead-ends, that i get overwhelmed and kind of just give up, or start doing something else entirely. (Do i need to point out that it also happened with my BA?)
welllll….. told ya. this blog is your guide to (my) stupidity. what can i say, im a dumb bitch, i cant help it. Ugh, anyway. The question is, do I like being easily manipulated, and is there anything I can do to compensate for it and/or minimize the effect it has on my life. or can i atleast affiliate myself with people whose overall influence on my life is going to be positive.
except that would require some goal-oriented behavior on my part…
of course i can’t really increase the processing speed of my brain, or its operational memory or whatever. but there must be some skills i can learn to make up for that.
or that’s what i need to believe…