messier

I started five individual blog posts today, and found myself unable to finish any one of them. I tried Polish, i tried English, i even tried visuals alone; all I ended up doing was getting more and more frustrated.

And then I got it: I have to learn to be okay with expressing imperfect thoughts with words that only “kind of” fit. Some days ideas will present themselves to me already fully formed, other days i’ll write for hours and still I won’t be able to get to the bottom of the issue, and still ill end up saying things i dont mean.

i put off writing until what i have to say can be condensed into a few neat paragraphs. it’s reflective of what I want my brain to be. But the truth is, that’s not what anyone’s actual thought process looks like at all. The reality is much more messy, confused, and at times off-topic, and I don’t want to deny that any longer.

I don’t want to give you the sanitized version. I don’t want to make it seem like I’m sure of anything — to arrive at fake conclusions to calm my own anxious mind with the illusion of certainty — when in fact im sure of nothing.

I don’t want to be afraid to think. It might seem like I’m not getting anywhere, but at least i’m exploring new territory. i might get into some dead-ends or say things i end up having to take back…

but it’s just my thoughts we’re talking about, and I feel like a huge part of my problems stems from denying myself the simple luxury of fantasy. I’m superstitiously fearful of “thinking the wrong thing”. as if there’s some thought so awful that it’s going to permanently corrupt my mind and — ??? (unimaginable horror follows).

there are gaps. there are inaccuracies. there are blind spots. there’s so much that needs uncovering and deconstructing and just replacing, but to do that i have to find out what it is. to do that I have to think. I want you to see me try on different ideas and beliefs, even if it means creating sub-par “content”.

This blog was never about content, anyway.

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