themes to discuss in therapy | open for submissions lmao

LENISTWO, PASYWNOŚĆ

  • psychiczne krwawienie — paraliż w obliczu kryzysów, ospałość, skłonność do rezygnacji
  • aktywna bierność — brak zaangażowania w rozwiązywanie własnych problemów życiowych, próby uzyskania pomocy z zewnątrz, wyuczona bezradność, poczucie beznadziejności
  • health anxiety
  • and yet avoiding doctors
  • ogólne zamartwianie się

INFANTYLNA OSOBOWOŚĆ

  • splitting (rozszczepienie); sudden and dramatic shifts in my view of others; i will sometimes share intimate details early on, but if the other person doesn’t care enough / give enough / isn’t “there” enough, i will devalue them; i CAN empathize and nurture, but i expect the same thing in return
  • nie dążymy do zrównoważenia idealizacji i deprecjacji, tylko do zarzucenia osądów i skupienia się na dostosowywaniu zachowania do pożądanych / niepożądanych konsekwencji <– skuteczność — robienie tego co jest potrzebne / wymagane dla osiągnięcia celów, zamiast przejmować się tym co jest “słuszne”
  • features of NPD (DSM-5 p. 669) 1-9
  • Avoidant (p. 672) 1-7
  • Dependent (2, 3, 5, 6, 9) 4!
  • OCPD (4, 6) 2!!, 1, 8

“HOW TO ADULT”

  • practical, goal-oriented communication skills
  • become okay with being feminine
  • negative body image
  • learn self-care & moderation

WEWNĘTRZNA PUSTKA

  • tendencja do przyswajania sobie przymiotów innej osoby jako sposób zatrzymania miłości; brak tożsamości, poszukiwanie w otoczeniu wskazówek jak postępować, co myśleć i czuć, nadmierna zależność dotycząca preferencji, poglądów, opinii
  • intense fear of “abandonment” — it implies I’m “bad” ; lack of relationship / nurturing / support –> feel that I don’t exist at all; worse performance in unstructured work & school situations
  • the perception of impending separation / rejection / loss of external structure leads to profound changes in self-image, affect, cognition & behavior
  • shifting goals, values, vocational aspirations, changes in opinions & plans about career, sexual identity, values, types of friends

SAMOUNIEWAŻNIENIE

  • “rodzina doskonała” (rodzice nie tolerują negatywnych emocji) –> unieważnienie lub niedostrzeganie własnych reakcji emocjonalnych, myśli, przekonań, zachowań; nie ufam sobie; niedostrzeganie –> chciałabym nauczyć się rozpoznawać i nazywać zachowania, zdarzenia, własne emocje i doświadczenia — etykiety potrzebne do komunikacji i do samokontroli
  • nadwrażliwość na krytykę i odrzucenie, niezdolność do znoszenia stresu, powstrzymywana żałoba — nadmierne kontrolowanie żalu, straty, smutku, złości, poczucia winy, wstydu, lęku, paniki; próbuję regulować emocje wydając sobie polecenia żeby nie czuć tego co aktualnie czuję — nierealistyczne wyobrażenia prowadzą do nierealistycznych standardów prowadzą do wstydu, nienawiści, złości na siebie
  • problemy z podtrzymaniem własnego punktu widzenia w obliczu krytyki lub braku zgody; “samoociosanie” — zmieniam własne doświadczenie, żeby dopasować się do innych

BECOME LESS ENTITLED

  • asertywność?
  • cognitive empathy; “reading people”
  • more realistic expectations of people, relationships, myself, & life
  • i don’t want to take advantage of people or be emotionally manipulative

RESILIENCE?

  • affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, anxiety); basic dysphoric mood often disrupted by periods of anger, panic, despair; rarely relieved by periods of well-being or satisfaction
  • chciałabym uniezależnić swój <<dobrostan>> od czynników zewnętrznych
  • wypracować dobre strategie biernej samoregulacjinauczyć się kontrolować strukturę środowiska — umowy, terminy, listy, rozkłady zajęć, PRZEBYWANIE WŚRÓD LUDZI; zrozumieć CO mi przekazują –> CRITICAL THINKING
  • i don’t want emotions to “happen to me” & i don’t want to dwell on them –> samoregulacja bierna i CZYNNA
  • difficulty controlling anger — I’m passive-aggressive when i feel attacked; self-image based on being bad or evil: caregiver seen as neglectful / withholding / uncaring / abandoning leads to sarcasm, bitterness, verbal outbursts lead to shame, guilt, feeling evil (ties back to “abandonment” implying im “bad”)
  • impulsywność; undermining self the moment a goal is about to be realized, e.g. dropping out of school just before graduation, destroying good relationships –> brak kontroli poznawczej nad jawnym zachowaniem, trudność z przełożeniem decyzji i wyborów na zgodne zachowania — no congruence between thoughts & behavior
  • pozorna kompetencjanieumiejętność generalizacji kompetencji na przyszłe nastroje i sytuacje; nieumiejętność okazywania oznak cierpienia emocjonalnego lub rozpoznania i przyznania że nie daję sobie z czymś rady
  • KONIECZNE JEST ODDZIELENIE AKTUALNEGO NASTROJU OD AKTUALNEGO ZACHOWANIA!!! <– ból i dolegliwości psychiczne są częścią życia; nie mieszać zdarzeń z moimi reakcjami na nie; nie traktować myśli i emocji jako dosłownego odzwierciedlenia rzeczywistości

physically filling an emotional void?

tw: please don’t read this post if you suffer from eating disorders, especially those on the restrictive side.

it’s relatively easy to start talking about emotions once you’re given a vocabulary. but now i need to talk about something i continue to feel a great deal of shame about, mostly because of how basic it is.

i’m a compulsive overeater. there, i said it. it’s pathetic, i know. how stupid do you have to be to not be able to control something so simple? how mindless and self-indulgent? but i am able to control it, in the short term, anyway; at least i used to be: in high school i was severely underweight.

what i am is … disillusioned. starving myself didn’t make me happy, so who the fuck cares what i look like.

and besides, it’s not about mindless / emotional eating anymore. the problem is that im now acutely aware that im doing irreversible damage to my body … painfully so … and that’s kind of the point.

it may be simple, but it does what it’s supposed to: it makes me feel even more weak, pathetic, disgusting, ugly, empty, unapproachable… worthless.

if im happy about one thing thats changed over the past two years or so, its that im less obsessed with my body.

yes, the reason i originally went into therapy was a sort of depression brought on by the discovery that i had high blood sugar (that i most likely was like 90 per cent responsible for) and the guilt & other negative feelings associated with that.

but my current health concerns have little to do with how i feel about my weight, lifestyle, & eating habits. it just so happens that i have to change them for health-related reasons.

im less preoccupied with my weight & size, and my self-esteem is less dependent on my appearance. but it’s not exactly out of self-acceptance…

…it’s out of indifference. i find it difficult to care enough to change the things that i should. all of my previous efforts to stay in shape and eat healthy were externally motivated (though it was my fucked up mind that took them to extremes). now, ive completely given up on trying to be “attractive”… or healthy.

so even though i could technically eat less, and potentially even fit a workout routine into my schedule, i know id find it not just hard but pointless to do so & stick to it.

what is more, i now frequently find myself forcing myself to binge when im already uncomfortably full. because … the emotional urge to numb out may be gone (for now at least), but the habit remains. i simply don’t know what else to do with my time.

part of it is down to the behavior pattern itself, but most of it results from the thought process that drove me to develop the pattern in the first place:

i feel empty. i feel stupid. i feel that i don’t deserve to do anything worthwhile or enjoyable in my life (yes! i don’t enjoy eating anymore! in fact i kind of hate it now! i don’t even eat most of my favorite foods anymore, nor do i crave them. i kind of don’t care either way). i feel that i deserve to isolate myself and rot away in my bedroom. and i mean, i’ve been doing that for so long, it’s scary just thinking about breaking that pattern, like … where do i begin?

but i’m proud of myself for reaching out for help, not just with this, but with everything. i’m proud that i can stop myself from overeating at least some of the time. and now, i’m proud of speaking out. it can get better. it will.

self-doubt

I don’t know why i feel this constant need to justify myself. if i started this blog for the sole purpose of venting, what do i care if other people find it interesting? why the reflex to apologize for having feelings and needing to talk about them? i have this urge to preemptively dismiss everything i do as silly and pointless, so that they don’t bother engaging with it, and i don’t have to deal with constructive criticism.

My parents were nothing if not supportive. Why, then, am I so sorry for being alive? Not for doing anything specific, but simply for being the way I am: irredeemably flawed and bothersome.

Man is supposedly a social animal. But most people seem, on the surface at least, to have a sense of self beyond the group identity. The stronger it is, the healthier their relationships with others in the community; the two feed off of each other.

I, by contrast, am socially inept, and yet still feel like i only exist in relation to other people. I need everyone not so much to like me as tolerate me, and i feel that by expressing myself, im infringing on — on what exactly? — … like im offending their delicate sensibilities; invading their personal (head)space… and risking rejection.

Incidentally, thats also why im so non-confrontational: while i’m quite argumentative & i love discussing my POV on trivial matters (though I easily get defensive), i wouldn’t dare, say, openly accuse you of anything unless i was absolutely sure you did it. im the person who, upon being told to stop apologizing, responds with “sorry”.

i act as if i’d rather be bland than for my opinions ever to be attacked or called into question. which i would, because you cant stand up for something you don’t believe in… such as yourself. I’m on the fence about my own right just to be.

im worried than if i dig any deeper, i might find out that the real reason i steal bits and pieces of other people’s personalities is because i actually don’t have one.

ha. on this positive note…

bye.

a Christmas of opening up

let’s discuss something positive for a change.

the past few years I’d been growing more and more apathetic about the whole concept of Christmas. … Or so I thought. What was actually happening had more to do with depression than with what i thought was “growing up”.

That all changed this Christmas.

I will discuss the effect that medication has on me in more detail in my future posts, but suffice it to say that it has injected some degree of optimism into my outlook on life. It also makes me more comfortable with being open about my emotions (hence the blog). This is why this last Christmas, i decided to share some of them with the people in my life, and the result was nothing short of incredible.

I work at a bookstore. I’m sorry to report that half the country got a book by the Nobel Prize winner Olga Tokarczuk for Christmas. Boring! I’m not criticizing the books themselves, to be sure (I haven’t read them, nor am i planning to). But it’s just about as obvious & predictable as one can get.

So anyway, I tried to put just a little bit more thought into my gifts. I can’t vouch for the result, but it felt good to make an effort.

More importantly, apart from the presents, I also wrote these notes to my parents and some of my family. I had never done anything like that; I’m not one to display affection or any kind of appreciation or gratitude, I always felt it was awkward and inappropriate. That my feelings were misplaced, too intense, irrelevant, idk.

Well, turns out people love it (at least “my” people did). They thanked me afterwards, and although I lack empathy, I think some of what I wrote in those notes must have hit close to home, because they all seemed genuinely touched.

To my surprise, they were kind of baffled by the whole thing at first, because they never knew i felt this way. but sharing how i felt about them improved my relationships with them in a very real way.

I felt connected to someone for the first time in a very long time.

and i realized that while christmas may have lost its superficial charm of santa and talking animals (just found out it’s a Polish thing apparently??), it’s I who can create the real magic … corny as that sounds. it’s something i’m gonna try to do more often.

wish you all the same this new year.

on feeling too much & showing too little

i suffer from permanent writer’s block, in all areas of my life except for writing (in the literal sense, ‘graphomania’ would be more apt).

i don’t know how people can just live their lives.

how they are not overwhelmed by all the possibilities.

maybe it’s true that i just have too much time on my hands. but if that’s the case, then it was just as true fifteen years ago as it is now. because i don’t remember ever feeling any more secure in who i was, what i felt, what i wanted, or what was right for me.

what i do remember is always trying to imitate somebody else. and wanting to do so many things. learn to do this, try that. but always stopping at “wanting”.

How can you think too much while thinking so little?

I know that what I’m doing is unhelpful. But i cant just stop my thoughts if i can’t even identify the counterproductive ones. the worst part is, they’re not even thoughts, in the strictest sense. they aren’t informed decisions, but merely gut reactions — except i can’t tell if they’re primary to my nature, or if i was conditioned into them during my upbringing.

see, when you’re so caught up in trying to define your mental processes, it’s hard to get to the “doing” stage of things.

im self-conscious but not self-aware.

I envy people who naturally gravitate to whatever seems like fun to them, and just explore what they find interesting, without having to put a label on it. With me, it’s like there’s always something preventing me from doing shit. no matter what it is, i will always come up with a reason why I shouldnt do it.

Being low on openness to experience doesn’t have to mean you’re prejudiced against the experience in question. For me it often means wanting, but not being able to handle it.

And it’s not about lack of curiosity. It’s about being paralyzed by the multitude of options available to you, to the point where you can’t decide on any one of them. Being pathologically objective and afraid of having an opinion or a preference, possibly for fear of being judged.

This ties in with introversion. My feelings towards the few people in my life are so intense, I couldn’t manage many more relationships if I wanted to. Every conversation, every facial expression is so significant in my eyes that it stays with me for days. I turn it over in my mind, trying to guess what the person meant or didn’t mean, what they were saying or implying, trying to read between the lines.

I have a few favorite things. Arctic Monkeys, Twin Peaks, this podcast called Welcome to Night Vale. I’m bringing it up because they might come up a lot, and I wanna explain why im so attached to them.

over the course of my life, they’ve been the only things that… stuck. Most of the time when I’m interacting with something (or someone) new, I’m so overstimulated and so focused on the process that I can’t get to the content. This makes many things damn near impossible, from interpreting literature to relating to another human being on an emotional level. i’m so preoccupied with the “metadata” surrounding the conversation that I can’t actively engage in it. i can’t just lose myself in the moment and allow myself to be spontaneous, because i operate as if i had to control my every movement, or else. (which is ironic, because my behavior ends up being entirely dictated by my emotions, anyway.)

very rarely do I find something, say, a piece of art, so engaging that I forget about my reservations regarding … showing real emotion. Usually, the opposite happens: I’m so distracted and not fully there that the experience is rendered worthless. So superficial is it that I can’t so much as decide whether I liked it or not, let alone tell if it taught me anything.

Writer’s block feels like a good analogy because i don’t think most writers are short of ideas. It’s the execution that’s the issue. There are so many possible stories, but how do you choose which ones to commit to paper — and when? How do you discern between the good ones and the not so good ones? And how do you capture the essence of the story you want to tell, translate those vague concepts into concrete words, convey a perfect idea by imperfect means while preserving all its meaning intact?

a writer might feel like he has nothing new to say. or like there’s no right way to say it. or that there are so many things he wishes he could say, he doesn’t know where to begin. Or… he might be afraid of failure. criticism. being called mediocre, or, god forbid, derivative.

to me, writer’s block means focusing on how one is going to be perceived instead of on self-expression itself. Unless (somebody tells me) it is Perfect and Unique, i have no right to feel what i feel, say what i say, do what i do. This is why i decided to start a blog: to allow myself to do something imperfect for once, something shit even, and just. not. care.
Hopefully, healing starts here: doing something, anything, as long as it feels true to you… this does. I want to have some agency over my behavior instead of handing over responsibility for my life to whoever finds themselves in my immediate environment at the moment. I want to stop censoring myself way before i can even think or feel anything. In short, I want to learn to live my life instead of observing it.

Something’s been bugging me these past few days. I still can’t wrap my head around it, but apparently, im not very good at showing emotions. as a consequence, the people i love think i hate them, and the people i like think i’m indifferent. many of those who have had the greatest impact on my life don’t even realize just how much they mean to me, and im generally seen as cold and aloof.

so when i do decide to share my feelings, it comes off as pushy, needy, or just plain creepy. To whom it may concern: please know that my feelings are mine to deal with, and you don’t have to worry about the burden i may seem to have put on you. It was irresponsible of me to overshare just to get something off my chest. The weight of my world is too much for any one person to carry, and I do not expect anyone else to carry it for me, least of all you.

How do you strike a balance though between… honesty and boundaries? authenticity and… moderation?

here’s hoping i can learn.