left on read

Healing is not what you expect it to be. I had this idea of what was wrong and what needed to change in order for me to “finally be happy,” but along the way i embraced the simple truth that the lower my expectations, the happier I am. Letting go of such a narrow definition of happiness has allowed me to find joy where i would never have anticipated it.

I AM SO SORRY to all of you who I recently texted only to stop replying to your messages.

i withdraw. it’s a problem. i know i can’t expect people to always reach out and put up with being ghosted all the time, but i, i genuinely don’t mean to act so entitled. I’ll do better in future, i promise…

If it makes you feel any better, I’m not talking to anybody right now, not even my therapist, not even about myself. In fact that’s the last thing i wanna talk about, since it’s pretty much all i think about. I’ve actually decided to suspend therapy for the time being, in part because sessions via WhatsApp just don’t seem like enough. I need face to face.

i confess … mostly its because we reached a point where i needed to actually start working on myself, and I… couldn’t. funny how that’s the exact problem i came to therapy with: i can talk and complain and blame-shift until the cows come home, and i can berate myself for being a shitty human being, but i won’t do anything about it.

But we agreed that i have made some progress. less than i would have hoped for, but i’ll resume therapy when im ready. for now, i need some time alone. to live my life instead of dissecting it all over again.

Not much is going to change, but that’s the beautiful part: i don’t have this need to change every aspect of my being anymore. it was never going to happen. best thing i can do is to adjust.

stupid as it may sound, it had gotten to the point where i felt like i wasn’t going to make any progress unless i left therapy and focused on other things for a while, because, like,,, two things I struggle with are talking things to death, and leaning on other people too much. and now that i understand it, i have this — perhaps misguided — need to talk less and be less needy, which I KNOW isn’t supposed to be about ignoring your friends who care about you but also you know how im introverted and also pretty dumb??? But yeah, I felt that I was becoming too dependent on my therapist, and also that i really shouldn’t be talking about myself so much rn.

Anyway. I know i’m not going to suddenly become driven and ambitious overnight. but i’m trying to frame my responsibility for my life in positive terms instead of forcing things or blaming myself for being lazy & things like that.

EVERYTHING used to seem overwhelming. most things still do. but now i try to focus not on the pressure of obligation, but on how it’s going to feel when Im done. that, or on, like, … what I want to do. because my “laziness” is just one more thing i needed to take to the extreme in order to realize that it’s not infinite.

And that sometimes even I am struck by a spontaneous need to be productive. creative. sociable. physically active. affectionate. whatever. That when an action is genuine, I’m not so worried about whether I’m “up to it”, i can just … do it.

the best thing about therapy was how it made everything click. in a way i can’t fully grasp just yet, but which was a revelation nonetheless, because it makes intuitive sense.

and that was that I AM SO SELF-OBSESSED. you’ve probably known it all along, as have I, but the thing i didn’t realize was that it was at the root of most of my problems. which doesn’t make them any less valid, nor any more easily fixable, nor even more “my fault”. It’s just a fact: there is a road to recovery, and it involves directing my attention to things other than myself, as hard as that may be for such a shameless narcissist as myself.

Also, if I don’t respond to your text, … please remind me. Pretty please. It’s not that I don’t care; I just need to be reminded that you do.

take care.

I am your toxic friend

Some things don’t show… but they eat you up inside.

J and I originally bonded over being annoyed by the same thing somebody did… that’s not a good sign.

I know I’m judgmental… but im not proud of it. And i didnt want that to be the only thing the two of us had in common. I’m not generally critical for the sake of it… it’s more like a defense mechanism. I have too much negative energy of my own to invite people into my life who are mean-spirited for a laugh.

that was my thought process while i was cutting her off. it’s probably the most i have ever come to devalue a person, but even at the time i still realized i was being idiotic; i just couldn’t help it.

The real reason I surgically removed her from my life was that I couldn’t bear that she was moving on whereas i was stuck. She’d used to be so adorkable, and now she was skinnier, prettier, … better.

I don’t hate any of you; I think you all deserve all the happiness in the world. And when i see you happy, i’m happy for you. But at the same time, it’s a painful reminder of my own inadequacy and inability to do anything with my life.

I know my feelings are not about you, they have nothing to do with you, it’s all my low self-esteem. But I can’t rationalize myself out of envy. Envy that’s not directed at any one person in particular, but at the general idea of happiness that to me seems so unattainable.

so if i become distant, im sorry. it’s not your fault, and im simply doing what feels like the right thing to do: deciding not to expose you to any more of my negativity. more often than not, i will isolate myself from people because of how guilty i feel about treating them poorly, even just in my mind.

i hope that feeling guilty about it indicates a degree of choice i have in the matter. perhaps not consciously… yet.

that would mean i can change.